FRIENDSHIP. Over the past month, I’ve been thinking about how to craft the essence of friendship into words — the gift that friendship is, the gift that friendship gives us. How to articulate the fullness of my life with the friendships I have, that I find myself continuing to smile about, to love, to let be.

There are all kinds of friendships we come across, and sometimes their meaning and the attachment we have to them changes dependent on where we find ourselves. Some days we may feel closer to our friends than others, and I think that’s part of the natural eb and flow of life. Maybe you only talk to a friend about a certain topic or hobby, maybe you see another just a few times a year and others you’ve known your whole life. I have felt this sense of knowingness with those I’ve known since I was 8-years old, but I’ve also felt just as close to others whom I’ve only known a few years — it’s not always about the time you’ve known someone or the proximity to where you both live, but rather, how your friends make you feel when you’re with them. I think good friendship makes you feel seen — reminding you that you’re not alone in the thoughts that keep you up at night (or the Instagram stories you can’t stop replaying over and over). It’s important to feel like yes you can laugh, but also cry or be upset with your friends, to feel what it is you’re feeling around them. To feel comfortable knowing you don’t always have to show up as your put together, ready to take a picture self. Sometimes all we want is the sweatpants, a bottle of wine and extra cheesy (gluten-free) pizza — the night out on the town can wait.

I think every friendship can fulfill different interests, needs and parts of ourselves, whether we realize it or not. And that is okay — no one person is going to provide you everything in a friendship (or relationship for that matter), it’s almost unfair to expect that of someone. We can connect with our friends on certain things and not others. But we must allow our friends to be who they are – embracing their interests and what makes them go about life the way they do.

With fruitful friendship comes the excitement for another’s interests, randomly sending the other something you just discovered and want them to know, holding space for the tears, discussing every detail of the story, how it was said and who was involved over and over again, and telling them you miss them. Then there’s the depth of emotions, the brutal honesty, the giddiness for making plans and seeing each other again soon, sharing books and songs, sending the outfits before a party, belting the lyrics at a concert together, sitting in towels scrolling after over steamed showers. It’s the drinking one too many glasses of wine where the giggles won’t stop and lounging around talking about last night’s chaos with bagels in hand and not enough water to cure the hangover. The list goes on. But these parts of friendships are all little moments that bring warmth and joy.

And sometimes the friendship itself changes. You may have once been close with someone and even if you’re not anymore doesn’t mean you can’t cherish those moments or appreciate what their presence may have meant to you and taught you. In college, everyone knows lots of people and right after, we want to keep up with all of those friendships. But it’s hard too. And I don’t think it is as personal as we always think. Nothing may have happened, but you both start carrying on in other directions that don’t cross the way they once did, and yet, you can still quietly root for all those people. Being intentional with my time and spending it with friends who fill me up feels enough these days. I get why people say “quality over quantity” — it’s more peaceful and genuine when you can be present with the few you enjoy.

Rachel Havekost, a writer and mental health advocate, shared this recently and it immediately reminded me of friendship. Sometimes we have this thought: “I’m scared if I tell you about the good things in my life, you’ll think I don’t care about your pain.” But that is fear speaking, and her response from the other person was: “I trust that you can share your joy and hold my pain. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.” It’s quite possible that you and your friends are at different phases of life and going through different seasons, but real friendship is welcoming the existence of both of your experiences — supporting the other, listening to them and cheering them on knowing they will do the same for you with the respect and kindness you each deserve. We shouldn’t be afraid of that with our friends.

Friendship is definitely a two way street though — it’s worth letting your friends know when you’re struggling and also make an effort to check-in on them too. It’s okay to say no — no to the plans, the dinner, the this and that. They should get it and if not, oh well. To find friends that make you smile big and support you, friends that have seen you in different seasons of life and respect the different versions of you, it’s a warm feeling — hold onto them and keep telling them you love them.

Book Recommendation:

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara is a heart wrenching and deeply complicated story about four men bound by one with unspeakable childhood trauma. The story follows their friendships over generations, taking the reader through the complexities of navigating friendship: what is means to be a friend, show up as a friend and embrace a friend for who they are. Despite the darkness and length — gear up for 800+ pages, I thought it was beautifully written.

“... the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are — not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving — and then appreciate them for what they can teach you, and try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad — or good — it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well.” 

- Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life